Battling the Body

She stands in front of the mirror, baring her naked body whilst eyeing herself up and down. As her gaze plummets down her body, she tallies up the flaws detail by detail. The sum of her flaws reaches double-digits before she’s even reached her waist. Our bodies are immense organisms, yet for her it’s an object, a site of intensive investigation, natural beauty pushed aside. 

Her eyes see a microcosm of what she is made up of, the sum of all her parts working harmoniously in a detailed and intricate fashion.  The mirror may represent fractured parts, but the body is one whole living organism. To breathe we rely on chemical and mechanical processes to bring oxygen to every cell in the body and get rid of carbon dioxide. She denies herself a fulfilling existence by disrupting the complexity of the human body to keep us alive. She’s taking away her own oxygen thereby denying herself the allowance to be the sum of all her parts. 

Battling one’s reflection means a world where simply catching oneself in the mirror is a trigger. On a day to day basis we wash our face, brush our teeth, wash our hands, put make- up on, shave; all typically in-front of a mirror or within close proximity of one. Imagine the fear when your day to day normality leaves you constantly anxious of when you’ll accidentally catch yourself again. A mirror is a reflection, but what if you are so fearful of what you see that such a medium becomes corrosive to your wellbeing? Well, in a world where social media fuels identity, finding an escape can be hard. It’s not just your mirror you have to ignore; it’s the photo uploads on social media, it’s the videos, it’s snapchat, it’s Instagram, it’s Facebook. They’re all reflections of ourselves in one shape or form. Imagine conforming to that world where your biggest fear is the discomfort of being you? Given 45% of the population uses social media, body dysmorphia is a daily burden that is almost inescapable when you are at your most vulnerable. She feels isolated in a world where image is an obsession and society provokes you to feel insecure in your own skin. She doesn’t see what others see when they look at her, she is paralysed in her version of herself. 

You’re a stranger in your own body.  ____________________________________________________________________

The NHS definition of body dysmorphia disorder is a mental health disorder where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance.  In further detail you might have BDD if you: 

 worry a lot about a specific area of your body (particularly your face)

 spend a lot of time comparing your looks with other people&

 look at yourself in mirrors a lot or avoid mirrors altogether

 go to a lot of effort to conceal flaws – for example, by spending a long time combing your hair, applying make-up or choosing clothes

 pick at your skin to make it smooth

I speak affirmatively when I say that I, you, we, are not to blame for body insecurities that haunt us in the mirror. We can certainly be proactive in our understanding as materials become more accessible. However, try being kind to yourself when disgusted by those flaws in a world that bombards us with false propaganda. Our life has become a series of images that are nothing but constructs making us feel temporarily relevant in this complicated world. I myself, a victim and survivor of eating disorders, have come to associate weight loss with body acceptance, so it’s no wonder that some of us feel uncomfortable in our own skin. I hear you, and I know it’s hard but you are enough.  

This billion-dollar diet culture reaps the rewards materially yet the reciprocator reaps unrequited love.

Convincing ourselves to spend more money on a diet that will “surely work this time?”. Before and after photos encourage us to need to see change in order to accept ourselves. That by losing weight or gaining abs we will finally look in that reflection and see someone we can smile back at. I remember how much I fixated on a thigh gap for years because my legs were too ‘big’. Honestly, I will never have a thigh gap. I am an athletic build yet for years and years I’ve chased a distorted truth. Here lies the problem. We get sucked into being someone we’re not and we chase the unattainable. 

We aren’t all Brandy Melville (one size fits all), we aren’t all leggy and lean, we aren’t all figurines like Kim K. We are each our own complex system organism. The flaws that we see in the mirror are flaws that we all have but aren’t transparent or accepted in our society. Flicking through a magazine, models are the epitome of beauty, but its forged beauty, and in a world of high-scrutiny and comparison how can we compete with that? If it’s me versus “photoshopped” version of me, a mind tainted with body dysmorphia, I would pick “photoshopped” me every time. Skin perfectly pigmented, eyes and nose perfectly aligned and a waist to fit the current trend of the time. Therefore by looking in our own mirrors we fail to see a figure of beauty but a tarnished figure.  

I have found myself in constant conflict with my reflection. A girl stands in front of me who has a disproportional body shape, sticky-out ears, thick thighs, jelly-like arms, a big nose and fat fingers, and that’s just for starters. By conforming to these inhumane societal pressures, I’ve self-sabotaged and left myself with years of reparation costs. It doesn’t need to be this way and our bodies shouldn’t be a constant battle. I urge you to free yourself from this torment and forge a support network that is made up of all shapes and forms of women and men who are inspiring for their words, for their voices, for their laughter, for their friendship and for simply for them.  

If I had to tell my younger self one thing, it would be to stop reaching for that top shelf when that version of yourself is out of your reach without ladders.  A darkness immerses you that is suffocating and lonely and you miss out on aspects of your life through no fault but society’s own. Disregard this world that still allows sample sizes to be accepted, where we look down a catwalk and see one prototype. What are we teaching the younger generations? A teenage girl attends a fashion show, perhaps in awe of one of the models and decides it’s her dream to be one or even a designer. However, her stage is filled with a series of sample sizes. To be successful, she’ll have to conform, and if not, there just isn’t the space for her. Under this context everyone else will seem like a foreign body that is odd in her perspective. A perspective based on a very niche type. Her mirror will remain fixated within conformity and only out of that shadow can she bare all. 

This shadow is not a place of safety but complete confusion. What we see is never what it seems. A fluctuation in the scales does not mean you’re a failure. Not fitting into a smaller size does not mean you are not allowed to feel good about yourself. But seeing that same model strutting her stuff down the catwalk adds to this confusion of the self. When you look at a model, you see a body, you see a designer dress on show. 

That show model does not account for the operations of the human body. Especially as women - the experience of bloating, hormone fluctuations, eating disorders, stress, medication, poverty which all impact how bodies are formed. In fact, weight fluctuations prove you’re alive, they’re not something to fear.

Let’s embrace that! Next time you hear yourself say that “losing weight, will make you feel more comfortable”, ask yourself what does mean? Take it back to basics, question your behaviour asking yourself why a particular number makes any difference to your overall wellbeing. I’ll let you into a secret, it doesn’t. I can tell you honestly that after trying laxatives, weight-loss tablets at aged 13, yoyo-ing my entire life young adult life, starvation, self-harm and binging to achieve my ‘weight loss goals’. It never happened and it provoked a day-to-day struggle of even being seen which I really resent. Don’t hide. You are beautiful and you shouldn’t be afraid. I am telling you now that I will support you until we merge to a society that values just being more important than anything else. Just because it isn’t the norm now doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t shout about the realities and make some change. 

I wish my past-self had not spent every day looking at the scales only to be disappointed and disgusted by myself for gaining weight or not losing enough.  You may not be ready to love yourself yet, but you will get there if you internalise the motto that you aren’t a single flaw, but a compilation of complex functions that keeps you alive, and that my friends is a gift.

Body dysmorphia is disorientating and leaves you dejected from your identity. It’s a craving that’s impossible to fulfil and this is why it can be wholly debilitating. Despite the magazines, you don’t need to compare yourself or follow their diets in order to flick that switch. It’s easy to become fixated on comparisons and it’s such an easy habit to get stuck in but never judge a book by its cover. I bet you that the girl you think is quote, beautiful, is having the exact same thoughts as you. 

I look at myself and see a reflection looking back at me. I take a moment to pause. I don’t need to judge myself for what I look like. I have arms to hug my friends with, I have legs to get me from place to place, I have eyes to help me see, I have ears to help me hear, I have a body that deserves appreciation and worship. We are made up of all our parts, and even if some of our parts vary, we’re fundamentally here because we’re breathing. That is a gift we must choose over the battle against our selves. 

She stands in the mirror, looking back at her reflection and smiling. I see a girl who is brave, intelligent, a hopeless romantic, longing for approval and just trying to make the best out the whirlwind that is life.