Navigating Conflict
Another lockdown piece (sorry) but one that will undoubtedly be applicable to life as we know it post-quarantine…
As a starting point I think it can be useful to recognise the pervasive nature of conflict - deriving from platonic, romantic, professional, and almost all other relationships. Each of these situational kinds of conflict can provoke different emotional responses, but often our instant reactions come from the same place and are provoked by the same triggers.
Whilst in this strange liminal space of lockdown, thanks to Instagram accounts such as @the.holistic.psychologist I have been attempting to deepen my-self awareness by gaining insight into the way I personally tend to react to situations that as a result, descend into conflict. Although ‘conflict’ is a word we tend to shrink away from, and one that triggers thoughts of both physical and verbal violence, often conflict can manifest itself in less tangible ways, for example things like deliberate silence, distrust, and passive aggression.
One concept that I have come across, and which has been a means of better understanding my psychology has been that of the inner child. I was sceptical (as I imagine many of you will be upon reading this) of what this notion entails, but essentially, the ‘inner child’ is just a reference to the childlike part of you. Each of us carries relics of our childhood view of the world and related experiences. As a result, albeit subconsciously, it often forms the basis of our reactions in situations of conflict where the ‘child within us’ so to speak, feels threatened. The value of this nebulous, and arguably whimsical concept lies in observing it in practice and what I have found helpful is standing back and noticing when I feel agitated or upset by something (i.e at the point where a conflict is about to begin) and subsequently trying to figure out what childhood hurt this has triggered.
For example, often I notice myself getting upset when people are sharp with me and if I am not being self-aware, find myself becoming upset. When this is unpacked, it is because I naturally perceive people’s sharpness as a reflection of how they feel about me. This instant reaction on my behalf is likely because one of my primary childhood wounds is not feeling good enough. As a child I hated getting into trouble, and to this day people telling me off tends to make my eyes water (quite an annoying personality trait to be honest), and this is largely attributable to a rather fraught relationship with a step-parent which made me hyper sensitive to criticism. Recognising this so called ‘wound’ has helped me develop the capacity to become aware of when it is being triggered, and the ability to adjust my reaction accordingly. In the circumstance I’ve used as an example, it creates the space necessary for me to step back and realise the other person’s tone could be due to any number of factors and is more to do with them than it is to me. They literally could have just had a bad day – and I think the most valuable aspect of this is that using the idea of an inner child to understand my reaction helps to both validate how I feel initially, whilst also allowing me to adjust my response.
This is all easier said than done and there are still times where I feel overwhelmed and react without considering the reasons or insecurities behind my reactions, but all self-awareness is a good thing no matter how small. It is just a matter of trying and practicing, so that hopefully next time you feel jealous or insecure (or any other emotion on the infinite spectrum that exists) and can feel an argument brewing, you can understand why you feel how you do, and validate your ‘inner child’, reacting without your emotions leading the way.
A quick note before I stop rambling – none of this is to say you cannot justifiably ever start a conflict and/or get angry. It is extremely important for your wellbeing to have boundaries in all relationships, and you should not compromise on such boundaries because they are the key to maintaining your sense of self-worth. The above is just a way I have personally found helpful when it comes to navigating conflict and I hope it can help more people too.
